


Ryujin's Secret

by jellyturtle



Series: Past, Present, & Future [3]
Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), ITZY (Band), 믹스나인 | MIXNINE (TV)
Genre: F/M, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst with a Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, Shin Ryujin-Centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:02:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24027085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyturtle/pseuds/jellyturtle
Summary: Ryujin had a secret, a secret that was closely associated with a grumpy boy who scowled at her every chance he got. Even so, she couldn't stop the way her heart danced in her chest as blood rushed to her cheeks. Her giddiness certainly didn't help either.Or Ryujin's perspective during MixNine and after.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Hwang Yeji, Kim Byeongkwan/Shin Ryujin
Series: Past, Present, & Future [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727596
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi! This takes place during the events of 'Complicated'. While you don't need to necessarily read 'Complicated', the story might make more sense if you do. I hope you enjoy seeing things from Ryujin's point of view. ^^

Ryujin had a secret. She also had a habit of daydreaming.

Sure, most of the time, if she wasn’t dancing, she’d be chatting with friends, making everyone laugh with her boyish mannerisms. But every day, about 5 minutes before the girls took a break for lunch, she was by the window corner, gazing outside.

Everyone knew about it – Ryujin’s Empty Time, they teased – the time when she would empty her mind and just stare in a daze at the old, dull building across the way. Most of the time, the girls left her alone, leaving her to bask in her thoughts and become ‘empty’ as they assumed. But once in a while, her daily ritual would be interrupted by the random commotions around her. And it seemed like today was one of those days, the chatter a few feet from her becoming gradually louder and cutting through her space.

“Isn’t Lee Jaejoon from Maroo Entertainment so hot?”

“No! Kim Sehyoon! Eunsuh’s brother is hotter! He’s sexy!”

“Park Hyojin’s super handsome and popular, right?”

“Isn’t Hangyeom also hot?”

“But he’s short. Jaeyoung’s more handsome.”

“Ryujin, what do you think?”

“Huh?” Ryujin broke away from gazing at the window, looking at the expectant faces around her in surprise. “What?”

“Woooww! She didn’t even pay attention to us?” The girls gazed at her in disbelief.

“Or maybe she’s just pretending not to know what we were talking about?” Heejin teased.

“… What?” She looked at them wide-eyed in confusion.

“The boys, Ryujin!” Sara exclaimed exasperatedly, rolling her eyes. “The boys!”

“The boys?” Ryujin repeated slowly, trying to process what was going on.

Suddenly a specific boy popped into her mind, causing blood to rush to her head.

“Oooh! She’s blushing!”

“She knows what we’re talking about!”

“You like someone too, Ryujin?”

“Who?”

“It’s just hot.” She forced a laugh, turning her face away as she fanned herself with her hand.

“Liar! You’re red in the face! You’re thinking of someone! Who?”

“… GOT7.” She laughed, dodging her friends’ attempts to swat her body.

“No idols! Someone here! We’re talking about people here.”

“Here?” She smiled innocently although her heart continued to thump in her chest.

“Well, we all know who’s ugly.” Chanmi snorted.

“Unni!” The girls giggled nervously.

“There are no cameras around! We’re fine! Besides, I’m just being honest! You all agree with me too, right? The trainee who is ugly?”

“Yeah…” A female trainee giggled, nodding her head at the group.

“Kim Byeongkwan.”

Ryujin felt her heart stop and she became absolutely still, her eyes becoming cold as she stared around at the group of giggling girls.

“He won #4 in most attractive by fanvotes, can you believe?”

“More like #4 in being the shortest.”

“He dances well.” Her lips moved before she realized what she was saying, speaking up for him awkwardly.

“So does Sehyoon! So does Kim Hangyeom! And they’re both waaayy more attractive than he is.”

“Awww. Our Ryujin is so sweet.” Hyunjin cooed. “She’s too nice to rate our competitors.”

“More like doesn’t want to look bad,” Chanmi teased, although there was a slight sharpness to her voice.

If the other girls heard it, they played it off, giggling and quickly changing the subject back to the hot boys. Ryujin on the other hand, turned her attention back to the window. Good thing too, because had she been roped another minute into the girls’ conversation, she would have missed it – the sight of a few male trainees rushing out the building entrance to make a quick trip to the convenience store to grab some snacks.

Like any other day, they were laughing, and she was laughing along with them on the inside, although her outward appearance did nothing to show it. She bit her lower lip to keep her face neutral, making it seem as if she was just daydreaming as she gazed out the window so that no one would be interested in what she was doing. As always, her eyes immediately landed on the one leading the pack, a bright smile on his face as he turned to look back at his friends while they ran. She kept her eyes on him until they disappeared under the building cover.

“Ryujin, let’s go eat! Lunchtime!”

“She’s daydreaming again.”

“Shin Ryujin!”

She heard them the first time, but as always, pretended she didn’t. Normally, she prided herself as an honest person, but this was one secret she wanted to keep to herself.

“What are you looking at anyways?” Hyunjin peered over her shoulder. “There’s nothing.”

“… It’s refreshing.” Ryujin smiled at her, turning to join the other girls as they made their way to the cafeteria.

And it wasn’t a lie; it truly was. It was refreshing to see him laugh in the midst of their cutthroat competition; it was refreshing to see him happy, considering how particularly _unhappy_ he usually was whenever he saw her.

Yes, Ryujin had a secret: every day at the same time, about 5 minutes before lunch, she would look out the window to catch the sight of **him**.

Him, being the boy who always ran in the front and the one whom she always looked for; him, who never failed to make her heart flutter.

Him, Kim Byeongkwan – her top competitor and rival, and also her first love.


	2. MixNine

It never crossed Ryujin’s mind that she would run into him in a survival show. He had already debuted and was moving towards success, or so she thought. He was talented, as was the rest of his group, so she was startled to say the least when she first laid eyes on him on the bus to YG Entertainment. But her feelings of surprise were quickly overtaken by the sudden slowing of her heartbeat as she processed that he was with her in the same car, in the same show and space, at the same time.

Just like when she had met him for the first time, 5 years ago. She could remember it as clearly as yesterday, when she was a bright-eyed middle school kid with dreams beyond the stars, who experienced butterflies in her stomach for the first time.

_“Well we’re still here, aren’t we?” His eyes were hard as he glared at the other trainees hidden from her sight. “Use your time to better yourself, instead of putting someone else down.”_

_When he turned to face her with an apologetic expression on his face, she found herself beaming at him, thankful for his words… Until he took a step towards her. She panicked and immediately took off running down the hallway back to where she came from. If he came to the door to look at her, she didn’t know as she didn’t look back. But long after she had stopped running and had settle in bed for the night, her heart still pounded wildly in her chest._

Just like that, Ryujin experienced her first love – the boy who spoke up for her in righteous anger and danced so alluringly; the one who caused her infatuation for Got7 to become momentarily forgotten.

After that day, every chance she got she would steal peaks into the open room where she found him dancing. If she was lucky, she’d catch a snippet of him singing, that nasally voice engraving its sound in her soul. She found out his name was Kim Byeongkwan and that he was older than her, a recent high school graduate, which made him even cooler in comparison to all the other immature male trainees her age. She never got a chance to introduce herself to him formally, as she was too shy to talk to him.

There were a few times when he caught her spying on him during his practice time. Her cheeks still flushed whenever she remembered that warm smile on his face as he waved at her, the gentle chuckles that echoed behind her as she scurried off so red in the face, like a ripened tomato. He ended up leaving JYP, much to her disappointment. And her biggest regret was that she never mustered up her courage to thank him in person.

Needless to say, she was happy to see him again. It was as if she was given a second chance, a new opportunity to connect with her first love. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to be brave and say the words she couldn’t say when she was younger, thanking him for speaking up for her, for inspiring her to keep working hard. She also wanted to ask whether they could be friends, although if she was being truly honest, her heart wanted more. It was somewhat surprising, even to her, how her heart slowed down every time she saw him, the same way it did when she was younger. It was as if nothing had changed.

Unfortunately, it seemed as if she was the only one who wanted to be friends, or even remembered their past history. Ryujin may have been young, but she was clever enough to tell that he was not fond of her, not at all. It was strange. The kind smile she received from him at 14 was now gone in the face of his scowls, sneers, and grunts of frustration.

She could still remember the first round competition. Her team had defeated his and earned the benefit points. She was torn – while ecstatic that her team had won, a part of her also felt heavy.

She wasn’t stupid. She knew that her reputation as the ‘BTS Love Yourself’ girl played a major factor in the winnings. Her popularity had skyrocketed to such a vast proportion that even she didn’t know how to handle it at times. The pressure to be the best and number one was overwhelming, and if it hadn’t been for her distraction, she probably would have cracked by now.

Her distraction being the individual standing less than six feet away from her. He was mad. Her heart squeezed uncomfortably in her chest at the sight of his tightened fist and clenched jaw.

A part of her felt guilty. The boys’ choreography far outmatched theirs, and their dance performance was the epitome of perfection. It took her every ounce of self-control to contain her inner fangirling, neutralizing her face into a blank expression, lest she’d give away her feelings.

There were no words that could describe the awe she felt when she watched him perform. He was amazing, from the way he moved his body to his controlled facial expressions. He was breath-taking, as he dominated the stage with the aura that only Kim Byeongkwan had.

She knew he had worked hard. After all, he was the only one she could see during the performance. He was always the only one she saw, always the one she fixed her eyes on. He had that effect on her, mesmerizing her the same way he did 5 years ago, captivating her attention always.

She gazed at him, biting her lower lip.

‘You did so well.’ She thought. ‘You were so amazing. Don’t be angry… Please…’

As if he heard her, he turned to face her. Immediately, her lips curved into a small smile. She hoped she could convey her sincerity through her eyes, that she thought he did so well and that he should regret nothing. She hoped he could see the unchanged admiration in her eyes that she still held for him.

But he turned away, his whole body stiffening. It was at that moment that she realized his anger exceeded what she thought. He was extremely angry, but not at the situation. He was angry with her.

The realization shot a pang through her heart, chills running down her spine as he kept himself away from her. The source of his displeasure was her. She had pissed him off.

Had it not been for her teammates who crowded over her, crying tears of joy and thanking her, she would have continued to stare at him, numbness overtaking her as the one she liked the most turned his back on her.

The chills only increased when he finally looked at her, a forced smile on his face as he gripped the mic tightly.

“Let’s meet again next time.”

This time, she looked away, turning to face her teammates with a mysterious smile to hide the churning she felt in her stomach.

It only got worse from then on out.

They started making eye-contact, like a lot. While Ryujin would have normally been thrilled that he was finally showing interest in her, it also sucked that he only gave her 3 looks – glares, frowns, and glowers.

Rule #3 of Mixnine made it impossible for gender mixing, with the girls and boys having completely separate schedules, practice floors, and dorms. Outside the round competitions, they weren’t supposed to see each other, much less mingle. However, the bathrooms happened to be on the same floor and once in a while, if they happened to pass each other in the halls, at least all the trainees would greet each other out of politeness. She couldn’t even do that without catching him scowling at her.

During the live performances, she could feel his scrutinizing gaze on her, his piercing eyes looking at her so intensely as if he was trying to laser holes through her. While she was thankful for the attention, his constant glaring made her super self-conscious. She quickly found out that those eyes could put her on edge more easily than any other criticism she could ever receive.

She didn’t know what to do. She could understand the tension; they were competing to debut so of course he’d be tense. But whenever he was glaring at her with such a fixed gaze, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t have time to dwell too much about it because her body’s natural reaction took over – She smiled.

Every time she saw him, she smiled. It was silly of her, she knew, but the only thing she could do was smile. She couldn’t help it. Despite his frowns and scowls, her giddiness overtook any other emotion she felt. It also didn’t help that he kept wowing her with his talents and skills, which improved tremendously from 5 years ago.

The competition itself was brutal with competent contenders on all sides. It was never Ryujin’s intention, or even in her personality, to be an opponent to anyone, but it seemed as if everyone loved to pit themselves against her, whether it’d be boys or girls. While she liked her teammates, she knew that most of them did not fully like her, were not fully relaxed around her. Everyone treated her as if she was the enemy, and it was tiring.

To be honest, she started looking forward to passing him down the hall. His glare acted as a momentary distraction from everything. It was kinda cute to see him openly shoot her a quick look of distaste. It was refreshing compared to everyone else’s malicious whispers and resentful glares when they thought they were being discreet, but actually weren’t. She’d rather have someone openly declare her as their rival, rather than secretly try to undermine her from behind. That was probably another reason she continued to like Byeongkwan – his lips may have tried to flatter, but his body was honest.

“You think you can beat Kim Hyojin for number 1?” One of the girl trainees asked in a friendly voice, although her dark eyes indicated otherwise.

Ryujin blinked slowly. There would be another performance round battle tomorrow and all of them were still in the practice rooms past normal functioning hours to perfect their performance. Right now, all the girls had piled together in one room to take a mini-break.

“… I don’t know?” She could barely think right now, running off 2 hours of sleep for the past consecutive 3 days.

“Of course you’ll beat him!” Hyunjin got up from where she was laying on Ryujin’s lap to smile at her, patting her back. “You’re Shin Ryujin! You’re number 1!”

‘Of course you’ll win.’ ‘Of course you’ll be number 1.’ ‘As expected of Shin Ryujin!’

Those were words that Ryujin had been hearing too often, thrown carelessly around her head. Some said it out of genuinely good intentions, trying to encourage her during her practice time. For others, it was said out of spite, bitter voices that reflected resentful eyes as she walked down the halls. Either way, it left a rawness in her throat she couldn’t explain.

What was she supposed to do when everyone just assumed she was the best all the time? And when she wasn’t the best, how was she supposed to cope with the fact that she was human?

“I’m staying behind to practice tonight.” She smiled at the group, standing up to take a quick restroom break before having to hit the grind again.

“Why bother?” She heard someone say under her breath. “She’d be number one anyways.”

The fact that some her teammates completely disregarded her work pained her. She worked hard, so hard. Why couldn’t they see it? Things weren’t just handed to her because she was Shin Ryujin. Because she was Shin Ryujin, she had to deal with so much. Unrealistic expectations and unreasonable standards. Would Ryujin even be able to make it? Was Ryujin good enough?

She made her way to the restroom, feeling heavy-hearted, when she saw a sight that made her smile. Her distraction was horsing around in front of the restroom doors with a few other male trainees. It was silly how he could cheer her up immediately, but the sight of him messing around at 2:47 in the morning was endearing. It reminded her of friends back at JYP, nights where they would all be stuck practicing late at night, but would gather together in one room to secretly enjoy the snacks they had hidden in their pockets.

Ryujin remained hidden from them, wanting to bask in the moment of having her distraction so close to her without a scowl on his face.

“Hyung, you going to sleep?” One of the younger male trainees with a sweet voice asked, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“Nah, I’m gonna practice some more.” Byeongkwan smiled, ruffling his hair.

“But you got all the moves down. You’re perfect, Hyung!” One of the YG trainee grumbled, causing the older boy to let out a laugh.

She felt her heart slow down at that beautiful laugh, resonating throughout the halls.

“Flattery will get you nowhere, you brat! Don’t think I don’t know that you stole my chips!”

“You told him?!” The YG trainee looked at the sleepy trainee with betrayal in his eyes.

“No.” The sleepy trainee’s eyes grew wide with shock as he shook his head innocently.

“He don’t need to tell me. I’m your Hyung and I know you did it! Also, Minseok-ah, you shouldn’t cover Hyunsuk for anything. This brat needs to get punished.”

Ryujin stifled a laugh as Byeongkwan pulled the YG trainee into a headlock, causing the younger to howl.

“Help! Minseok-ah, help me! Hyung’s tryin’ to take off my head!”

“You don’t use it so I might as well take it off!” The older teased, holding on tighter for a few more seconds before letting go.

“Geez, Hyung! You work out or something? I can’t feel my neck!” Hyunsuk moaned as he rubbed the back of his sore nape. “And hey! What do you mean I don’t use my head?”

“Is right now the time for sleep?” He retorted, shaking his head, although an endearing smile played on his lips. “Honestly, Hyunsuk. Think about debuting! Focus!”

“ **I** **am**!” The younger whined. “I’m gonna stay up late to practice too! I’m just saying that YOU don’t need to, Hyung! You’re good enough already.”

“Complacency is the greatest trap in life.” Byeongkwan looked at both of the younger trainees seriously. “Don’t ever aim for ‘good enough’. Shoot for perfect.”

“Nobody’s perfect.” Hyunsuk grumbled.

“True. But when you strive towards perfection, you can move forward without any regrets. And then you remember the greatest thing.”

“What that?” Minseok looked up at him with a sweet smile and sleepy eyes.

“That you are more than good enough. You are enough.” He smiled kindly at the younger boys.

_“You are enough.” Byeongkwan looked around seriously, his piercing eyes examining each trainee in the circle._

_Ryujin kept her eyes down to avoid meeting his burning gaze, sucking in a silent breath as she struggled to control the blush on her cheeks. She didn’t need anyone to find out about her big, fat crush on the high school graduate trainee._

_Luckily for her, everyone was too fixated looking back at Byeongkwan that no one noticed how she was fidgeting with her fingers._

_“What?” An older male trainee snorted._

_“Yeah, Oppa. That’s pretty lame.” Another female trainee chimed in, crinkling her nose._

_“Boring! You acting like you JYP. Are you our teacher? Why the heck would you want to tell us that?”_

_At that, Ryujin lifted her eyes up to glance furtively at the boy at the center of all the attention. It was late, past all of their bedtimes, and while they should have been practicing, the older trainees rounded them up to play games instead. Byeongkwan had lost the round so as his punishment, he was asked to give “words of wisdom” that he could pass to the younger trainees. But those three words were the only thing he said._

_“You… are… enough.” He repeated, taking a dramatic pause between each word._

_“Enough for what?” Another boy scoffed. “What the heck are you saying?”_

_“You asked me for words of wisdom and that’s it. ‘You are enough’ – because you guys seem to forget it too often.” He frowned at them, as an older brother would when he was gently scolding his younger siblings._

_“I know most of you are younger than I am. You’re in middle school, high school, and at your age, you’ve already made a huge commitment to this career path. There’s a lot of pressure from the teachers, the sunbaes, your friends, and everyone else… That’s why I wanted to remind you, you are enough.”_

_He flashed a kind smile and Ryujin felt her heart lurch in her chest._

_“They’re not enough until they debut!” Another trainee chortled obnoxiously, which caused the younger trainees to shift uncomfortably as the older ones smirked._

_But Byeongkwan’s smile dropped and he honed in his piercing eyes on the one who made the unsavory comment._

_“They’re not **good enough** until they debut is what the world says. But I say, **they are enough** right now as wonderful individuals.”_

_He said it so coldly that it quieted the rest of the snickers all the other trainees had. While everyone seemed intimated by him, Ryujin stared at him with stars in her eyes, the words echoing in her head day-after-day like a constant reminder, even after he left._

**‘You are enough.’**

A tear rolled down Ryujin’s eye. That’s all she wanted to hear, that she was enough; not good enough, but enough. Everyone piled compliments on her like it didn’t matter, but the one thing she wanted to hear the most, that she needed to hear the most, she was deprived of it. Yet here she was, hearing the words she wanted to hear the most from the person she wanted to see the most. Once again, she was reminded of why she was smitten by Kim Byeongkwan.

She returned to her practice room, revived by his words.

“Did something happen?” Heejin raised an eyebrow.

“You look happy.” Sori smiled kindly at her.

Ryujin smiled back, but said nothing. After all, the best secrets were kept hidden.

From then on, she was filled with a newfound determination. She strove for perfection, ignoring the snarky comments about her ‘free pass’ and doing her absolute best so that she’d be deserving of the words she wanted to hear.

She kept winning, she maintained her number one spot and won the respect of her teammates, who could see the hours she poured out into practice.

“Number 1 for a reason”, they began to say, shooting her proud smiles whenever she completed an evaluation.

She was happy and she was thankful. It was now twice that he had saved her and she was over the moon. She didn’t even care that whenever they made eye-contact, it was with him glaring at her. She was just happy that he was looking at her. He’d come around, wouldn’t he?

She was given a cold dose of reality when she happened to overhear him in the hall.

“Hyung… Why do you hate her so much?”

Ryujin blinked, pulled back into reality from her daydreams. It seemed as if she was not the only one lingering in the empty hall, trying to take a mini-break from practice. And the voice, although high-pitched and soft, was obviously male, which meant that she probably had to leave before she got into trouble for being in the same area space with the guys. She started heading back to the practice rooms when a familiar voice stopped her.

“… I don’t hate her, Minseok-ah.”

She stopped. That was Byeongkwan’s voice. Without thinking, she found herself moving towards the direction of his voice. As she turned the corner, she found him with the same younger trainee that he had shared his words of wisdom from the other day. Kim Minseok, she believed it was.

“But you don’t like Shin Ryujin at all.”

She felt as if she was slapped in the face and took a step back, trying to regain her balance as well as her emotions that were thrown into chaos inside of her.

What in the world? She knew he viewed her as the biggest rival to his success and was tense because of the competition, but hatred? Was it to the point he hated her?

“That doesn’t mean I hate her. I just-“

At that moment, Minseok made eye-contact with her and paled, grabbing Byeongkwan’s arm to silence him.

‘Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me.’ She inwardly begged.

She didn’t know what she would do if he looked at her.

But he turned his head and his eyes immediately made contact with hers. She found herself locked in place, her feet as unmovable as concrete as she gazed into those flickering eyes. Unlike the other times when those cold eyes were glancing bitterly at her, his pupils were shaky and the expression on his face was one she had never seen before, yet could identify in a heartbeat – panic.

Panic, which revealed that he meant every word of whatever he was about to say regarding his dislike for her. That hurt.

She bowed politely before hurrying past him, almost breaking into a run as she rushed out of the hallway. She didn’t want to hear the reason why he hated her. She didn’t think she could take it; take the fact that her first love hated her.

She was devastated. He hated her. He wasn’t just stressed out about their competition. He actually hated her.

“Ryujin, you ok?” Heejin looked at her with concern in her eyes. “You look pale.”

“… Just tired.”

She didn’t cry. She couldn’t. There was just too much to do and think about during the middle of MixNine, but the damage was done. It was as if a knife had been wedged into her heart – initial pain that faded into numbing coldness. 

Had it been anyone else, she would have hated him. She would have forgotten about him, scorned him and moved on. She should have hated him back. But stupidly, she couldn’t; she couldn’t bring herself to hate him because she remembered.

She still remembered the boy who smiled at her so softly while passion remained aflame in his eyes. She remembered the boy who spoke words of encouragement that kept her going every day for the past five years. She remembered the boy who laughed kindly and waved at her.

She couldn’t hate him. Even when he was blatant about avoiding her after the incident in the hall, she couldn’t hate him.

The next round, she won again, but so did he. As a reward, Seungri from Big Bang gifted both her team and his team with his clothing. They were in the same room for the first time since the incident and he made sure to stay as far away as possible from her, standing in the other corner of the room. Even during the group photo, he stayed away, choosing to squat in the front when he saw she was going towards the back. He stayed away from her, refusing to make eye-contact and refusing to say anything else, like a coward. Even then, she didn’t hate him.

She continued to smile. She smiled at him even as he kept his eyes away because a foolish part of her hoped that one day, he would return her smile; that one day, his gentle smile would be directed to her again.

She smiled. Even in the last competition where she lost and cried tears of pain, she smiled at him. When she caught him gazing at her, the first time in a while, she smiled at him; smiled at the one who still shone the brightest in her sight. He responded to her smile by turning away and refusing to meet her eyes again.

But it was strange – unlike the previous times when his eyes were full of chilly bitterness, there was a deep loneliness in his eyes when they locked gazes. When he stared at her, he looked as if he wanted to cry, as if he had been abandoned by the world and was carrying the weight of a thousand burdens on his shoulders.

Loneliness. Abandonment. Burden. _A glimpse of despair._

It released the dagger from her heart, pain resurfacing to overtake the numbness she felt.

“You did so well, Ryujin.” Yeji whispered, holding her tight once she had arrived back in the dorms. “Our Number 1.”

But Ryujin’s tears kept falling, the image of that broken face replaying in her mind over and over again. Seeing that heavy look in his eyes, a gaze of someone wrapped in iron chains, was more painful than any glare he could have ever given her or anything he could have ever said.

“Unni…” Yuna also enveloped Ryujin in her arms, her big eyes full of worry.

That night, when all her tears had run out and she found herself sandwiched between her friends in the living room as they drifted off to sleep, she found herself praying. She prayed that he wouldn’t be lonely any longer, prayed that he would find his happiness and rest.

She prayed that he would remember he was enough, adding to the list of secrets that she had regarding Kim Byeongkwan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience ^^  
> Hope you enjoy Ch. 1.


	3. ICY

Fast forward a year and Ryujin was back to her normal routine of school, practice, and sleep. She ended up debuting with four friends to form Itzy. A part of her felt disappointed and saddened for the other friends who were cut from her group, but that was life. People come and go, she realized. Just like her first love. Stupidly, she still kept tabs on him.

He went back to promoting with ACE after his MixNINE debut cancellation, which she was furious about, because she, him, and all of her friends and other participants did not slave themselves away for months just to be left with nothing. Yet that was also life – some promises are broken so easily and you just have to move on; so they did.

Ryujin always thought his band name was fitting; too fitting, because he really was – he was an ace, excelling at everything he did. And now that she saw him on TV all the time (and his VLIVE’s that she’d tune in to), forgetting about him was nearly impossible. He was **her** ace, causing her heart to stir at whatever he did.

Her feelings were an open secret to all her bandmates, who teased her any chance they got when they were away from the prying ears of managers and staff. After all, they had all trained together for a long time, and somehow all the girls seemed to remember witnessing a young Ryujin sneaking glances into his practice sessions. Even Lia, who hadn’t trained with them long enough to meet him in person knew all the stories about him like the back of her hand, thanks to Yuna’s eagerness to fill in their new member on the gossip. The youngest had also found out where she kept all of the ACE albums tucked away, behind her GOT7 and Sunmi collections.

Ryujin didn’t mind. It was fun gossiping about boys during their free time. It took their mind off the intensity of practice. But that didn’t change the fact that he hated her or that her crush on him was pointless. Yet every time her mind would wander off, she found herself daydreaming about him, wondering what he was doing, how he was feeling. She was lovesick, stuck on someone who didn’t care for her at all, and she didn’t know what to do.

One year after MixNine and Ryujin found herself daydreaming with the same secret stuck deep inside her.

“Thinking about him?” Yeji’s teasing voice pulled her out of her reverie.

She turned to her friend in a daze. Despite her teasing voice, Yeji’s eyes were full of sympathy with a small smile on her face. Ryujin could only smile back awkwardly.

“Who? Unni’s first love?” Yuna popped up out of nowhere, her arms coming to wrap around Ryujin’s waist from behind.

“The one who dances well.” Chaeryeong added, coming closer to the group with Lia on her arm.

“… He hates me.” Ryujin put on a brave face although in all honesty, she still felt like bawling at the truth of her own words.

“What?” Yuna snapped her head back, squinting her eyes in disbelief as her arms around Ryujin tightened. “What makes you think that?”

“I heard him… He doesn’t like me.”

“I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding,” Lia soothed with her calming voice, reaching out to take her free hand. “How can he hate you? You haven’t done anything.”

“There’s no way he does, Unni! I saw it! He was staring at you in the last round! He totally likes you!”

“But I heard him…”

“Why don’t we go see him?”

Chaeryung’s casual suggestion caused Ryujin to stiffen, the other girls looking at her in shock.

“What? It’s our comeback week and ACE is still performing. It’s a perfect time to meet.” She smiled innocently, looking around at the group.

“You mean exchange CDs.” Yeji said thoughtfully. “That’s a good idea.”

“What?” Ryujin felt bewildered, but none of the other girls seemed to mind.

“How exciting.” Lia giggled, a hand coming up to her mouth as her eyes crinkled up with glee. “It’s like a secret mission.”

“And Unni can put her number in the CD somewhere!” Yuna piped up cheerfully.

“I can’t give him my number. We’re not allowed-“

“Tell him to text between 2-4 am,” Chaeryung interrupted, also on a roll with the maknae’s idea, an excited glint in her eyes. “No one checks our phones then.”

Ryujin was floored, uncertainity in her gaze as her bandmates grinned back at her.

“It doesn’t hurt to try, Ryujin.” Yeji smiled at her kindly. “What if he likes you back?”

“Unni, trust me. He likes you.” Yuna said it so sincerely, Ryujin wanted to believe her. “But it’s still kinda weird if I think about it.”

“Weird?!” The older girls burst out laughing.

“Since he’s 24! He’s an adult while Unni’s still a high school student.” Yuna pouted, annoyed that they were all laughing at her.

“In Canada, Ryujin’s an adult already.” Lia explained with a giggle. “It’s not weird at all.”

“Plus, we’re graduating in a few months.” Yeji added. “We graduate the year we turn 19 so it’s fine. Besides… Ryujin liked him first.”

Ryujin’s face turned bright pink at that.

“L-let’s practice again.”

“Oh!! She’s red in the face!” Yuna laughed, pointing at her.

“She’s not denying it!” Chaeryung giggled, also pointing a finger at her.

And that’s how she found herself face-to-face with him again, doing her very best to control the blush that threatened to form on her cheeks as she faced him idol-to-idol, dressed up and made up to enhance his image as a perfect being. She wanted to swoon. Why did he have to look so good?

As always, she noticed he purposely kept his eyes away from her, but she steeled herself and took a step in his direction to hand him the album, forcing him to look into her eyes.

His eyes were dark and his gaze, searing as she poured herself into it.

 _‘Remember me.’_ Her mind screamed as she smiled at him. _‘Remember me please!’_

She desperately hoped he would remember not his biggest competitor from a year ago, but the girl he was kind to five years ago. Remember and smile.

He didn’t.

His mouth curved up into a fake smile, the same one she used when she had to greet strangers, and his voice was filled with false enthusiasm, going up two pitches higher than it normally was.

She did her best to hide the frown that threatened to form on her face. What did she do wrong? Now that Mix Nine was over, she thought he might hate her less. Why did he still look so tense?

It was only when she left the room that she allowed her smile to drop, a furrow in her brows as she wondered why he still hated her.

“That was…”

“Awkward.” Yuna giggled nervously, finishing Chaeryung’s sentence. “So awkward Unni! I thought I was gonna die from the tension in the room! Do you think they noticed?”

“I don’t think so.” Lia shook her head.

“Yeah, it felt uncomfortable.” Yeji agreed with a nervous smile. “Ryujin, what do you think?”

“… He hates me.” Her voice came out duller than she wanted it to be.

“I’m telling you he doesn’t! He likes you! He-“

“He didn’t want to look at me.” She shook her head, cutting Yuna off with a forced laugh. “He hates me.”

“You didn’t even talk to him.” The youngest frowned, stepping in front of her to stop her from rushing off. “You can’t just stop here, Unni.”

“Take this to him.”

Ryujin blinked and stared at Chaeryung in confusion as the other girl shoved something into her hands.

“You’re already this far along, might as well go all the way.” Yeji smiled kindly as Ryujin gazed down at her hands.

It was their booklet that one of the girls had discretely removed from their album, and without a doubt, Ryujin knew that they had placed her number inside of it. After all, that’s how Sunmi Unni shared idols got into contact with each other.

After a few more nudges from her friends, she took a deep breath and turned back on her heels to make her way back to his room, anxiety flooding through her veins as she tried to come up with an excuse on why she was returning without sounding creepy. Only, she didn’t need to as she spotted him walking briskly along the hallway, a vacant look in his eyes and his lips tight into a grimace.

She didn’t even think twice about following him, and luckily there were no cameras focused on them because if there were, they would have seen how painfully obvious she was about her fixation on him. Her eyes were practically glued to him as she trailed behind him. At that moment, she didn’t think or care about anything else. All she could see was him.

It was only when he stopped to sit down that she realized that she had followed him into one of the staff closet rooms, dark and musty, and also off-limits. They could get in trouble. SHE would get in trouble if she got caught being here, let alone with another MALE idol. But she didn’t care, because all she cared about was him.

For a moment, she remained quiet, becoming absolutely still for a few seconds as she gazed at his exhausted figure. He was sitting down on a box, slumped over with his eyes shut, heaving long breaths. Why did he look so tired? So small? So lonely?

Her mind flashed back to the final round in MixNine, when they had made eye-contact for the last time.

_Loneliness. Abandonment. Burden. **A glimpse of despair.**_

She felt a pang in her heart. She’d be willing to do anything if she could take away his loneliness and burdens. While right now probably wasn’t the best time to flirt, maybe she could act as a momentary distraction from the heaviness.

Mustering up her courage, she took a deep breath.

“Sunbae…”

His eyes shot open and he practically fell off the box, barely catching himself with a jump. His eyes were in a frenzy and she almost felt bad she woke up him up, but it was too late now. The moment his eyes met hers, he froze, his facial expression morphing into a mixture of mistrust, shock, and exhaustion – kind of like how he glared at her during MixNine.

She sucked in a silent breath and kept the smile on her face as she did her best to make her voice light.

“I have our CD booklet. I was playing with it and forgot to put it back.” She took a step towards him, stretching out her hands with the booklet.

He didn’t say a word, just kept those glazed eyes on hers as he slowly reached up to take it from her. It was strange. Unlike the previous times where he would look away from her, he looked straight at her, transferring his heavy emotions into her through his eyes. But this time, she couldn’t really identify what those emotions were.

Tiredness? Weariness? Loneliness? Those were at the surface level, but it seemed as if something lurked deeper within – a darker, more complex emotion that he refused to let her into. She could only gaze back at him, unsure of what to do or say.

But within a split second, his façade was back up, a fake smile on his face as well as a bright voice that she never heard before.

“Thank you so much! It’s an honor to have Itzy’s CD. I can’t wait to hear it.”

Her heart sank at his disguise. Would he never willingly give her a genuine smile again? She couldn’t even hear the rest of the insincere words that he babbled as he tried to leave, crushing her further into disappointment.

“Do you still hate me?” The words escaped her lips before she even knew what she was saying.

She didn’t know what she was waiting for because she didn’t expect him to turn back and she definitely didn’t expect him to answer. But to her surprise, he stopped and was facing her. The mask was off, his eyes dark and his mouth grim with the complex emotion from before.

It paralyzed her.

“…You think that way?” His voice was husky and he kept his hardened eyes locked on hers.

Her heart thumped painfully in her chest as he took a dangerous step towards her and she found herself involuntarily backing up.

“You think I hate you? After all this time?”

“Sunbae-“ She felt her heartbeat quicken as her back hit the wall.

Suddenly, her mind became blank as he closed her off, slamming his hand against her head and leaning in to cage her with his body. She couldn’t think.

He was so close she could feel his heavy breaths caress her lips and smell the faint scent of faded cologne. His eyes, enchanting orbs, sucked her in once again, but this time she saw it – an emotion so strong it reminded her of anger, so intense it appeared to be hatred and for a moment, she thought it was.

But then a glimpse of softness appeared and she was reminded of her childhood crush, the gentle boy who smiled at her. And it dawned on her, there was only one other emotion with the same type of intensity, the emotion that she felt for him.

“… I don’t hate you.” He exhaled, releasing his arm and backing away from her.

As he closed his eyes, she kept her eyes on him, hope starting to bubble up inside of her.

“Do you like me?” She found herself walking towards him recklessly.

She didn’t know what she was doing. All she knew was that he didn’t hate her, yet felt something for her. And if there was a chance that something was even remotely similar to how she felt for him, she’d take it. She wasn’t missing her chance again.

His eyes almost popped out of his sockets, his jaw slack-open as he stared at her a gape. Seeing him so stunned by her question spurred her on to close the distance between them, courage pulsing through her veins.

“…You’re too young for me.” He turned away from her, but she could see the tip of his ears were red.

That wasn’t a ‘no’. She’d take it.

“I’m 19.”

“You’re in high school.”

“I’ll be graduating in February next year.” She rushed in front of him, forcing him to meet her gaze.

“… What does that have to do with me?”

He didn’t look away from her this time and even in the dark room, she could see how his cheeks were flushed. He was blushing because of her. She had to be brave.

She found herself shrugging nonchalantly, trying to cover up her pounding heart in her chest.

“I’m just telling you, Oppa. February 7th. I’ll graduate then… Friday, February 7th.” Her voice was strong and she found her confidence boosting at the way he blushed at her directness.

“…What… do you want… from me?”

She grinned. She could get used to this. He was cute when he was flustered. She could tell by his hoarse voice that he was embarrassed, but she wanted to keep teasing him more. After all, if he liked her too, a little payback for the way he treated her wouldn’t hurt, considering how she liked him for over 5 years.

“… You know.”

She practically danced back to the waiting room, her heart soaring with giddiness.

“Unni! How did it go?” Yuna asked excitedly.

“Did you give him your number?” Chaeryung asked with big eyes.

“What happened?” Yeji demanded as Lia smiled at her.

“… He doesn’t hate me.” Ryujin found herself giggling as she looked around at the girls. “He doesn’t hate me!” She repeated in a stronger voice as the smile on her face grew so wide, her cheeks hurt.

“I told you! I told you Unni!” Yuna practically squealed as she squeezed her.

“So he’s going to contact you?” Chaeryung cheered.

Ryujin shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.

“Who knows?” But she couldn’t take the grin off her face.

He said he didn’t hate her, he didn’t deny liking her AND he blushed because of her. She found her own cheeks heating up as she thought of how close his face was to hers when he trapped her against the wall. If she slightly moved forward, they would have bumped lips.

Ryujin didn’t know if she could say for sure that he liked her, but just the thought of texting back and forth with him was enough to turn her into a blushing mess.

However, as always, life didn’t go the way she planned and she found herself disappointed once again. He never text her, not even once. She waited and waited, staring at her phone for hours, hoping that he’d send something and he never did.

“Maybe he’s just shy?” Lia attempted to comfort her. “Don’t worry too much about it.”

“Yeah Unni. I’m sure he’s busy too. He’ll text you when he has time. Don’t worry!” Yuna encouraged.

But Ryujin felt more discouraged than ever. She had confronted him and he confirmed he didn’t hate her; in fact, he seemed to lean towards the opposite of it. What was the problem?

She ended up following after him again. It had been a few months since they had last seen each other and they were at a festival. She didn’t give two flying monkeys that they were outside, in public, where anyone could see them. She needed to know what his deal was, wanted to get everything off her chest. But that night upon the rooftop with him made it painfully clear what the problem was.

“Good evening.” The forced, cheesy smile on his face made her want to vomit, her insides churning with discomfort and hurt.

Why was he always running away from her? Why couldn’t he just speak to her honestly?

He was trying to run away again, like he always did whenever she faced him. But still, the pathetic part of her called out to him.

“You never-“ She stopped.

What was the point of confronting him when he would just run away? She should just let him go, cut him lose, because Ryujin was getting tired of being disappointed. But even so, she couldn’t stop herself from spilling out her true thoughts, because one of them should have been honest.

“… You never contacted me.” The way her voice cracked startled her more than anything.

She didn’t even realize that her eyes had started to water, her heart worn out from pursuing someone who didn’t care. But she was still chasing, her feet taking bold steps closer to him, refusing to let him go.

“You said you don’t hate me… You said you don’t… Then why do you act like it?” The truth of her own words caused more cuts in her paper heart, causing a stray tear to escape the corner of her eye.

“I’m not-“

“You’re not even looking at me!” She almost screamed, bitterness and hurt coursing through her.

She heard him take in a deep inhale and then exhale, turning to face her. Was she that troublesome to deal with? She hunched over, slumping her shoulders, but she locked her eyes unto his. She refused to let him look away again.

“…I’m five years older than you.”

She wanted to let out a bitter laugh. Was that the best he could come up with?

“So?” She took a step closer to him defiantly, daring him to continue.

She’d press him on until she squeezed every last excuse and lie out of him.

“You’re barely starting your career and you want to ruin it already? By contacting me?”

“I never said we had to date-“

“Then what do you want?!”

She froze. It was the first time he had every raised his voice at her.

“What do you want from me, Shin Ryujin?!” His yell caused her to recoil, her confidence dissipating into thin air.

He was glaring at her, but it didn’t feel the same as during MixNine. His eyes weren’t just filled with anger; they were brewing with frustration, and anguish – the same anguish that she saw during the final round.

_Loneliness. Abandonment. Burden. **A glimpse of despair.**_

****

She took a step back, as if he had slapped her. She realized what the problem was. It was her. Ryujin, her – she was the problem. He didn’t want her.

Her secret was the problem. Even then, she couldn’t stop the words from spilling out.

“I just wanted to know you.”

She was being pathetic, she knew it. With her eyes brimming with tears that rolled down her cheeks as well as the whine in her voice, she was completely pathetic. And yet, a stupid part of her thought he would show her a sliver of the kindness he used to carry for her.

He didn’t.

“Don’t. Don’t get to know me. Stop.” And with that, he left without looking back at the mess of her heart that he made.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ryujin…” Even though Yeji’s voice was muffled behind the locked bathroom door, Ryujin could still hear the concern in her voice. “Ryujin, are you ok?”

Ryujin ignored the voice, closing her eyes as she basked in the hot water of the shower.

“… I’m going to sleep... Let me know if you need anything.”

And it was only when she heard the soft click of the closed door for her shared room with Yeji that she allowed her tears to fall freely, trying her best to control her grief in the shower.

He was so cruel. Did he really have to break her heart like that? Tear it to pieces and then stomp on it for good measure before leaving her? But then again, she was reminded that she was the stupid one, clinging on to her first love when there was nothing to cling to in the first place.

She swallowed back a sob, steeling herself not to cry any longer. It didn’t matter anymore. She would not concern herself with him any longer. Whether he hated her or not, it was no longer her concern. That night as she drifted off to sleep, she vowed she would never cry because of Kim Byeongkwan again.

She threw herself into practice, channeling her daily exhaustion into performance, numbing herself from any unnecessary emotion. She became cold and focused, driven to be the best idol and performer. The End-of-the-Year Award Ceremonies were just around the corner and she would be sure Itzy would take the win for Rookie-of-the-Year. She became so consumed by herself that she felt nothing when she received a random message out of nowhere.

**What time is your graduation? 4:43 AM**

She couldn’t even bring herself to be surprised as she stared at the message dumbly, her heart frozen over.

**This is Kim Byeongkwan 5:10 AM**

She turned her phone off. It wasn’t important. He wasn’t important anymore.

That’s what she told herself, but her body seemed to think otherwise. That day was the worst practice she had ever had, constantly forgetting her steps, mumbling her lines, almost bumping and causing an injury to Yeji.

“Shin Ryujin! What are you doing?” The trainer roared.

Everyone flinched except her, who looked up at him dully.

“I’m sorry,” was the only thing that rolled off her tongue, feebly.

“I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but you better get your act together! Stop failing the group!” And with that, he stormed out of the room, slamming the door as he left.

“… I’m sorry.” She mumbled to her groupmates, who all smiled at her and hugged her as if she hadn’t messed up at all.

“Everyone has bad days.” Lia patted her back comfortingly.

**What time is your graduation? 4:43 AM**

**This is Kim Byeongkwan 5:10 AM**

She stared at the chat, feelings of confliction churning inside of her. Should she respond? But what for? Even if she told him the time, it’s not like he could come freely. What if there was a scandal? She felt a bitter smirk form on her lips.

Imagine that – a dating scandal between two rookie idols with a five-year age-gap. They weren’t even dating, but she could see things easily blowing out of proportion. What would happen to their groups?

“You gonna respond?”

She felt a weight drop on her back, intending on crushing her from on top. Only it was Yuna, who was too light to do any real damage even if she tried.

Ryujin turned her phone off, shrugging her shoulders carelessly.

“Aww Unni… I know he was a jerk, but-“

“Manager’s here!” Yeji rushed into the room, her voice unusually loud and her eyes wide with panic.

“You announcing it for the whole apartment complex to hear?” Manager Unni squinted her eyes suspiciously. “Why are you so jittery, Hwang Yeji?”

“I’m not!” She quickly denied, although her darting eyes and flushed cheeks seemed to indicate otherwise.

“What’s up, Unni?” Yuna got up from where she was laying on top of Ryujin.

“Phone check.”

Everyone froze.

“W-What-“

“You’re in your second comeback and I need to make sure there’s no funny business going around.” Their manager’s eyes went from member-to-member, as if she was scanning them and trying to see through them.

“Give me your phone.” Suddenly, the manager was in front of Ryujin, who was still lying on her stomach on the couch, paralyzed with shock.

For the first time in weeks, Ryujin felt something in her icy heart: Fear.

Fear hammering in her chest, her blood pumping through her veins so fast that she took in a shallow breath. What was she supposed to do?

But before the manager could say or do anything else, Yeji placed her own phone down in the manager’s open hand.

“You heard her. Everyone get your phones.” She said it nonchalantly, shooting them a quiet signal.

As their manager looked down to examine Yeji’s phone, Ryujin felt someone snatch her phone from her hands. She almost jumped in fright only to see it was Yuna who had pressed a few buttons and handed the phone back to her in a matter of seconds.

She blinked and looked into her phone. Her kakaotalk app was no longer there. She looked up at Yuna in surprise, who winked at her and nodded.

Needless to say, their phone-check went as smoothly as it could go, with the only qualms their manager had being the number of games on Yuna’s phone.

“Just how many do you have?” She scoffed as Yuna gave her sunny smile.

“You want to play with me, Unni? Clash is a hit right now!” The youngest winked.

“Kids these days.” Their manager huffed, although an endearing smile tugged on her lips.

“… Alright, everyone’s good to go.” Their manager handed their phones back to them. “Just remember, no boys to your contact lists.”

When girls all chimed that they understood, the manager left with a satisfied smile on her face.

“Oh… my… GOSH!” Yuna collapsed unto the floor, wheezing with nervous laughter. “That was so close!”

“Seriously!” Lia agreed, clutching her chest. “My heart won’t stop beating fast.”

“Unni, you gotta thank me! I saved you!” Yuna boasted, looking up expectantly from the ground at Ryujin, who was the only one still half-frozen by their encounter.

For a moment, Ryujin was silent, remaining absolutely still as she processed everything that occurred within the past 5 minutes.

“… Yeah. You did.” A smile curved on Ryujin’s lips, but it didn’t reach her eyes, causing her bandmates to look at each other in alarm.

“Unni?” Yuna asked concernedly.

“Ryujin-“ Chaeryung reached out for her, but Ryujin avoided her touch, the glass smile still on her lips.

“Thanks Yuna.” Ryujin’s hollow voice reflected her smile. “You really saved me.”

Saved her from any future disappointment and even more heartbreak. It was for the best that she didn’t contact Byeongkwan, didn’t respond to his message.

Where could they even meet on her graduation day? How would she be able to get away from the prying eyes of her managers or leave her parents? Where would be private enough for them to meet? And even if they did, what was the point? Would it be just a one-time deal, where he came just to indulge her? Or would they continue to meet? How? Where? Why?

No, Byeongkwan was right. It was better for them not to know each other. And Ryujin’s secret never had to be said. Secrets were meant to stay secrets for a reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I should change the tag from Light Angst to Angst. XP
> 
> Thank you for your patience guys! I actually finished this 2 days ago and didn't like it that much, but couldn't really make it better. T.T
> 
> I promise the angst will be over soon!


	4. Dreams

Secrets were meant to stay secrets for a reason, hidden and eventually forgotten. Except life didn’t let Ryujin forget.

_“It’s not that hard of a question. Stop overthinking! Who’s the closest to your ideal type?”_

_“I already said it. No one.” Daehwi wrinkled his nose and leaned back with a look of disgust._

_Ryujin smiled as the other girls rolled their eyes and scoffed at his dramatic reaction._

_“Could you be any more extra Lee Daehwi?” Somi shot him a dirty look, crossing her arms across her chest._

_“You’re the ones being extra! I didn’t say anyone was ugly! I’m just saying that no one here comes even a centimeter close to my ideal type!”_

_That set off a whole bunch of people and the next thing she knew, Ryujin was surrounded by noise from all sides, people either offended by Daehwi or cheering him on for his shameless honesty._

_She let out a quiet sigh and bit her lip as she waited for the chatter to die down. They were in the big practice room, rounded up by the older trainees again to play games. She didn’t know why they were playing Truth or Dare when everyone kept choosing truth. No one was brave enough to choose Dare, in fear of what the older trainees might make them do. Additionally, everyone’s answers had been boring or borderline insulting, making the game extremely dull for Ryujin, who hadn’t been very attentive that night._

_The only thing good about this game was that she happened to be sitting straight across from the coolest boy ever, allowing her to sneak glances at him more easily._

_Unlike Ryujin who was close to dying of boredom, Byeongkwan seemed alert, his sharp eyes looking around like a hawk, honing in on its target each time a new person was chosen. He didn’t ask any questions, but appeared acutely aware of everything that was happening by the way he kept looking around. A part of her wondered if he was just waiting for someone to choose Dare so he could swoop down and take over (which he was, she soon found out), but the other part of her was content to have the opportunity to watch him quietly and unnoticed._

_“Don’t be mad at me! I’m just answering the question!” Daehwi squeaked indignantly, trying to escape the hands (or in Somi’s case, the fist) that attacked his slender frame._

_“Besides, I’m the one who should be mad! I haven’t met my ideal type yet! Where is she? Why couldn’t she be here at JYP?”_

_Woong and Chan laughed as the youngest male trainee lamented on the floor._

_“There’s a lot of pretty girls here, kid.” Byeongkwan chuckled._

_At that, Ryujin’s heart clenched and she stole another look at him. Was there somebody that he liked? Someone he thought was pretty? Her heart started to beat slightly faster._

_It seemed that she wasn’t the only one who caught interest in Byeongkwan’s words because Daehwi immediately perked up._

_“Really Hyung?” He looked at the older trainee with shining eyes full of anticipation. “Where?”_

_Ryujin was pretty sure that he wasn’t doing it on purpose, that’s just how Daehwi was. But that certainly didn’t stop Somi from reaching over to punch him in the shoulder one last time._

_All the girls smiled with satisfaction as he let out a howl of pain and even the boys smirked. But Ryujin kept her eyes on Byeongkwan, waiting._

_Then, he locked eyes with Ryujin and everything changed. Her mind went blank and she found herself paralyzed by his piercing gaze, sharp eyes that fixated on hers. She wanted to look away, but couldn’t tear away from the eyes that sucked her in._

_“… Look around.” He broke eye-contact to gaze at Daehwi and suddenly Ryujin could breathe again._

_She didn’t even realize she had been holding her breath, her pulse hammering through her veins. It was when she looked around in fear that she realized they had probably only made eye-contact for less than five seconds, nobody noticing anything weird or different. But she noticed – those five seconds felt like forever, all concept of time lost._

_She blinked twice, trying to get a grip on herself and could faintly hear Daehwi complaining how Byeongkwan got his hopes up for nothing, which in turn made all the female trainees even more annoyed, leading to more violence inflicted upon the younger trainee. But just as she was barely processing all of this, it happened again – sharp eyes that enchanted her into stillness._

_But this time, it was different. Rather than lasers, the enchanting eyes were kind and while her breath hitched, she could still breath, could still think._

_His eyes were such a beautiful soft brown, a color lighter than hers. In fact, they were lighter than everyone else’s. Typical people (like Ryujin and everyone else) had dark brown eyes, the color of black coffee. But his eyes were different; they reminded her of caramel. Mind you, Ryujin didn’t even like sweets outside of shaved ice, but at that moment, she wondered how wonderful caramel would taste on top of her favorite shaved ice dessert. His eyelashes were long too, longer than hers, and while not thick, they covered those pretty caramel eyes so delicately; those eyes that remained sweet and sticky as they continued to gaze at her–wait what?!_

_Her hand flew to her mouth to cover her soft gasp and she leaned back against the wall, cheeks burning as a playful smirk appeared on his face._

_“You’re so evil, Hyung!” Daehwi’s whine was faint in the background. “And I keep getting injured for it!”_

_“You’re getting injured for your own stupid mouth.” Somi snorted. “At least Oppa is a gentleman.”_

_“Because he lied?”_

_“Lee Daehwi! Say another word and I’ll-“_

_“I didn’t lie.”_

_It was funny. He should have been looking away by now, should have been looking at the other trainees, as he always did. But for some reason, his eyes never left hers. Even with the smirk, his eyes remained kind and soft, and on hers._

_“I didn’t lie.” He repeated, leaning forward, his eyes still on Ryujin’s. “… Pretty.”_

_This time, she looked away first, keeping her head down in embarrassment even though she could still feel his eyes staring at her._

_“Our girls here are very pretty.” His nonchalant voice indicated that he had finally looked away so she looked up furtively._

_Sure enough, he was smiling kindly to the other girl trainees who gushed and thanked him with sweet voices full of the aegyo Ryujin didn’t have._

_She bit her lip and looked down again, trying to hide her disappointment._

_What was she expecting? He was just trying to be a good Oppa to everyone._

_She sighed and closed her eyes, pausing for a second. When she opened her eyes, she almost jumped in fright to see him staring straight at her again. She blinked once in confusion and the kind smile was replaced by a mischievous smirk on his face. But before she could process anything else, he winked at her. He actually winked at her._

_“Pretty…”_

Ryujin woke up with her heart out of control in her chest. Again.

She let out a sigh before turning to bury her face into her pillow so she could let out a groan of frustration. Why did life love to torment her? She was on the verge of going crazy! How was she supposed to move on if he kept haunting her in her dreams?

She looked at her phone. 3:55 AM.

It was almost time to get up anyways, but she couldn’t help but feel a twinge of resentment as she glanced at Yeji, who was sleeping so peacefully on her bed. Ryujin swallowed her bitter feelings down as she dragged her feet to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

The phone check incident caused a black hole in Ryujin’s life. From that point on, she began seeing him in her dreams practically every night. Sometimes it was just old memories, like last night, where she relived her childhood crush in her dreams. But other nights, she dreamt of a reality that was too good to be true – a reality where as he took her hand in his, smiled at her with the most fondness in the world; a reality where he called her his lover; a reality where they were able to go on dates freely on the streets of Seoul without a care of anyone catching them. She dreamt about sweet romantic nothings with him, which only left a lingering ache in her heart when she woke up. It got to the point that she didn’t even want to sleep anymore, knowing that she was going to run into him there.

Luckily during the day, she didn’t have too much time to dwell upon her heartache. Her bandmates made sure of it, taking care of her and showering her with extra affection; especially Yeji.

They were roommates and close friends, probably the closest in the group (although she’d never voice that outloud in fear of hurting the other girls’ feelings). Nevertheless, Yeji seemed to be more attentive and attuned to her needs.

“Don’t eat spicy food before we perform.” The cat-eyed girl frowned, snatching the spicy rice cake skewer out of Ryujin’s hand. “It’s going to coat your throat.”

“But I’m hungry.” Ryujin frowned, a pout on her lips as Yeji set the food down.

“Eat this.” She offered Ryujin a kimbap roll instead. “Eat that later.”

“But it’s going to be cold.” Ryujin complained as Yeji rolled her eyes, but still kept it vigilantly away from her.

“No Ryujin. Not today.”

“How come you’re only stopping me? You’re not stopping Yuna!” Ryujin practically whined, pointing her fingers to the maknae behind them who was happily munching on the spicy goodness.

But Yeji was stern and no amount of whining would move her so reluctantly, Ryujin obediently kept away from the spicy foods.

The next week, she found herself at Yeji’s care again when the latter insisted on wrapping Ryujin’s throat with a wool scarf as they got ready for bed.

“It’s super hot.” Ryujin tried to reason, dodging Yeji’s attempts to place the strangling cloth around her neck.

It was like 80 degrees in their shared room with the heater cranked up on high. Was Yeji trying to kill her?

“Well you’ve been coughing lately so I’m not taking any chances.” Yeji let out an exasperated sigh as Ryujin escaped her for the 5th time, scampering to the other side of the room.

“I promised I won’t get you sick.”

At this rate, she was sure she’d suffer from a heat stroke before infecting Yeji with anything.

“It’s not that!” Yeji exclaimed tiredly. “I’m just following-,” She suddenly stopped herself and clamped her mouth shut, lips pressed tightly together.

“Following what?” Ryujin looked at the other girl suspiciously. Was it a prank?

“… Nothing. Come here!” Yeji leaped in front of Ryujin and successfully lassoed the scarf around her neck, causing Ryujin to let out a yelp.

“There!” Yeji had a satisfied smile on her face as she secured the scarf around Ryujin’s neck.

“It’s so hot.” Ryujin moaned, wondering what could she have possibly done to warrant the suffocating device around her neck.

But Yeji beamed at her.

“You need to take care of yourself by sleeping… and eating well. You look too thin.”

“What?” Ryujin stared blankly at her.

What did sleeping and eating have to do with the scarf around her neck? But Yeji just gave her eye-smile and nodded at her before turning in for bed. Ryujin huffed but kept the scarf on that night and although she’d never admit it, found herself feeling better and cough-less the next day.

The next time, Ryujin’s eyes were glazed and her hands were balled into fists as she gazed at her reflection in the restroom mirror. She knew what she was getting into with this line of work, after all, haters were just part of the idol life. What she didn’t expect was for haters to be present outside the stage, infringing on her school life. She steeled herself to calm down and keep her face neutral as she fought to keep her emotions under control. She didn’t have time to be emotional, for goodness’ sakes. She had a full night of practice waiting for her. When she felt level-headed enough, she left the restroom, only to run into Yeji.

“There you are!” Yeji smiled brightly at her. “I was looking for you!”

Before Ryujin could say a word, Yeji shoved something into her hands.

“I got your favorite!”

Ryujin looked down. It was her favorite bread.

“… Thanks.” She felt her lips curve into a small smile.

“No problem…” Yeji hesitated for a moment, but before Ryujin could ask what was wrong, the cat-like girl had already stepped forward to throw her arms around Ryujin in a warm embrace.

“Yeji?” Ryujin was confused, but Yeji kept her steady hands around her.

“Don’t listen to the haters.” Yeji’s voice was unusually low, but her arms were comforting. “You shine wherever you are.”

Instantly, Ryujin’s heart was flooded with warmth, all the negativity she felt dissipating into thin air. She leaned into her friend’s embrace, a genuine smile forming on her lips as she returned the hug.

And so it continued that day after day, Yeji would watch over Ryujin, fussing over her, taking extra care of her.

“So romantic,” Ryujin teased as Yeji fixed her shirt.

They were currently taking a break from dance practice and even now, the Itzy leader had no qualms on displaying open favoritism towards her.

“You haven’t fallen for me, have you?” She winked with a flirty tone, pushing her hair back dramatically to imitate the common Korean drama scene of a seductive gentleman.

Yeji rolled her eyes, although a small smile tugged on her lips.

“You’re too reckless for me.” The leader ribbed back at her. “I prefer someone calm.”

“Hyunjin Oppa’s not calm.” Yuna pipped up, causing Yeji to freeze.

That peaked Ryujin’s interest, causing her to raise an eyebrow.

“Hyunjin?” She felt the smile on her lips growing wider as she leaned forward mischievously. “You have something going on with Hyunjin-“

“It’s nothing.” Yeji tried to dismiss in a hurried tone, which only increased Ryujin’s suspicions.

“Have you been hanging out with Hyunjin?” She looked over Yeji’s shoulder at Yuna, seeking confirmation.

“Where have you been?” Yuna stared at her wide-eyed in disbelief. “They’re always hanging out!”

“No, we’re not-“

“Even the Stray Kids Oppas have noticed!” The youngest sassed.

Ryujin glanced around to the other two members who had been quiet throughout this exchange and could see a smirk on Chaeryung’s face as Lia suppressed a giggle with her hand.

Was everyone aware except her? She turned to Yeji with a pout.

“I can’t believe you told everyone but me.” She said in wounded tone. “I thought you loved me.”

“I’m telling you, it’s not like that!” Yeji’s voice was forceful as she shook her head, but the blush on her cheeks seemed to indicate something else.

“Sure it’s not. You just happen to meet every day at the end of the dark hallway, where everyone can see you, but no one can hear you. Not suspicious at all.”

Ryujin’s jaw dropped as she stared at Yeji agape. When was this happening? Why wasn’t she aware?

“We do NOT meet every day!” The leader spoke firmly to Yuna, her voice becoming hard. “And it’s not like that!”

“Nothing wrong if it is.” Chaeryung looked up innocently. “You can trust us. We won’t tell anyone.”

“It’s not!” Yeji’s eyes darted around at them and Ryujin could see the slight undertone of panic beneath them.

Judging by how she looked, Ryujin was certain Yeji was telling the truth. She had no reason to lie, given that they talked about boys all the time. But there was something about her reaction that gave Ryujin an inkling that it wasn’t as simple as Yuna was making it sound nor was it small enough to dismiss like Yeji wanted to. However, Ryujin was a pacifist and seeing that Yeji looked like she was about to scream in frustration, quickly stepped in.

“Ok, it’s not. It’s not. I believe you.” Ryujin rubbed her back with a reassuring smile. “I believe you.”

Yeji sucked in a deep breath, but kept quiet, leaning into Ryujin’s touch.

“It’s not... You know who it actually is.” Yeji whispered so that only Ryujin could hear.

It is? Not it was?

Ryujin’s eyes widened in surprise, but she kept quiet. There was only one person that Yeji had shared with Ryujin she liked and that was a long time ago. Was Yeji also stuck on her first love? Stuck like Ryujin was?

She didn’t have too much time to dwell upon that because promotion schedules caused her to go on autopilot in order to preserve her energy. But whenever they were back in the company, Ryujin forced her daydreams away so she could pay closer attention to her surroundings.

“I told you, Unni.” Yuna whispered to her.

Ryujin didn’t know why Yuna whispered if her whisper was going to be as loud as her normal speaking voice, but didn’t comment on it.

Yeji and Hyunjin were standing in the corner of the hall where there were no rooms or cameras, yet completely visible to anyone who was in the same hall. Yuna and Ryujin were spying, although Yuna would argue that they were technically observing, not spying, because they couldn’t hear or make out anything that the pair said.

“… They don’t look romantic to me.” Ryujin replied dryly.

They really didn’t. There was no blushing, hand-holding, or any gesture that insinuated even a hint of romance. To be honest, it looked more like they were arguing about something, with Hyunjin squinting at Yeji as she stared rigidly back at him.

“Look at the way he’s smiling! That’s romantic!” Yuna practically screeched.

Ryujin snorted.

Romantic? That _smirk_ on Hyunjin’s face that appeared out of nowhere was more devious than romantic, like he was asking for trouble. Sure enough, Yeji thwacked her arm across his shoulder with a look of distaste on her face.

They didn’t look romantic at all. In fact, if Ryujin knew any better, she’d say by Hyunjin’s smirk and Yeji’s grave expression, they appeared like they were 2 minutes away from jumping into action… Which meant-

“…They look like they’re plotting something.”

“Exactly! Plotting- What?” Yuna’s eyes became so big they almost popped out of their sockets as she stared at the older girl.

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Ryujin chuckled, turning back to glance at the pair one last time as she and Yuna walked back to their practice room.

“I guess…” Yuna’s said reluctantly as she also gazed back at the pair wistfully. “But if they were plotting something, wouldn’t they have done it already? What plan could possibly take that long?”

Ryujin shrugged her shoulders carelessly, causing the younger to huff her cheeks in a pout.

“You don’t care, Unni?” The younger whined, causing Ryujin to smile.

“It’s not that. It’s just that… It’s Hyunjin.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yuna’s eyes were wide again, glittering with mischief as she came into Ryujin’s personal space.

“Have you ever seen Yeji even hint at _tolerating_ Hyunjin, let alone liking him?” Ryujin raised an eyebrow, gently pushing the younger away from her face.

“They’re twins!”

Ryujin shot Yuna a look.

“Don’t let her hear you say that.”

Yeji absolutely abhorred the title, ‘Hwang Twins’ and they all knew it. The girls respected her enough never to say it outloud, or at least to her face, but the Stray Kids Oppas had no qualms about teasing her and Hyunjin mercilessly about the title granted to them based upon a joke.

However, with all the gripes their leader had about the shared title, Yeji and Hyunjin made one of the greatest tag-teams JYP had ever seen. They made a fantastic pair, their sleek cat-eyes and innocent smiles perfect for fooling managers and deceiving staff, while getting themselves out of trouble. It was funny because neither of them were the masterminds of any scheme, with Yeji being too innocent and Hyunjin being too simple. They hardly ever came up with any of the crazy plans themselves, but still completed every assignment with perfection. They were the perfect minions. From ordering food secretly in the middle of practice to acting as a distraction to delay evaluations, those two had managed to pull off a number of schemes for the benefit of both groups.

Once in a while, the pair managed to surprise everyone (Ryujin included) with a scheme so grand, that nobody could have ever thought of, and executed it with perfection. The best plan was the time they caused a blackout in the middle of practice when it was close to school exam season. Everyone was allowed to go back to the dorms early and they were officially dubbed ‘The Hwang Heroes’ for the day.

“Well, I don’t care what anyone says.” Yuna’s voice was the sassiest Ryujin had ever heard it as the younger stood taller. “I think they look good together.”

Ryujin smirked, but didn’t say anything in case her words could ever be used against her. She knew Yeji would flip over if she ever found out that Ryujin agreed with the younger’s sentiment.

That night when she had yet another dream with Byeongkwan, it was different from any previous dream.

_“Look Ryujin!” Yeji held up the hair pin with an infectious smile. “It’s so pretty!”_

_“It is.” Ryujin agreed, stepping closer to her to examine the hair pin. “You’d look pretty in it.”_

_She took a step back and sipped on her ice coffee, nodding to her cat-like friend._

_“Not me, silly.” Yeji giggled._

_And before Ryujin could ask her what she meant, Yeji had already placed the pin in Ryujin’s hair. Her eyes widened in surprise, but Yeji smiled her bright eye-smile._

_“Just as I thought. Pretty… Right, Oppa?”_

_Ryujin whipped around so fast, she would have tripped and dropped her coffee had it not been the strong arms that caught her, one arm around her waist and the other on her hand to grasp the coffee cup._

_“Careful Baby… Wouldn’t want you falling now.” Byeongkwan’s low chuckle caused her to blush._

_“… And you look very pretty by the way.” He helped her regain her balance, a kind twinkle in his eyes, just like his younger days._

_“I’m fine-“ She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her._

_“Where you going?” He teased, his grip becoming tighter._

_“Oppa!”_

_“Ryujin.” He had a teasing smile on his face, causing Ryujin to flush at how close he was to her._

_“… Let go.” She wanted to look away, but he wouldn’t let her, forcing her to maintain eye-contact._

_“Why?”_

_“Yeji’s watching.”_

_He smiled before nodding his head for her to look._

_Ryujin turned her head and let out a gasp of surprise. Where did Hyunjin come from? And why was he so close to Yeji? What- Oh…_

_Ryujin watched in amazement as the cat-like boy put a different hair pin into the hair of the cat-like girl, his eyes fixed on hers the whole time. The gesture was tender with an unusual gentleness to Hyunjin that Ryujin had never seen before as he brushed his fingers through Yeji’s hair delicately. Yeji had a shy smile on her face as Hyunjin beamed._

_“Pretty.” He said outloud, as if he and Yeji were the only ones there._

_“Really?” Yeji tilted her head, cutely._

_“Yup. The hair pin.”_

_Ryujin couldn’t help but chuckle as Hyunjin dodged Yeji’s slap, laughing._

_“Of course… Thanks anyways.” Yeji rolled her eyes, shaking her head._

_“I’m kidding.” He slipped his hand into hers. “You’re pretty, the prettiest to me.”_

_She huffed, but didn’t let of his hand and he immediately intertwined their fingers. Suddenly the pair turned to Ryujin._

_“You guys gonna keep holding each other all day or can we go?” Hyunjin raised an eyebrow causing Ryujin to blush._

_“Don’t be jealous, brat.” Byeongkwan smirked, but also released his hold on Ryujin so he could take her hand instead._

_Ryujin looked down and noticed they were wearing matching bracelets, similar to Hyunjin and Yeji. Somehow, she remembered, they had gotten them earlier that day._

_“Who’s jealous?” Hyunjin scoffed as Yeji locked eyes with Ryujin with a smile._

_It was amazing that even in her dream, she and Yeji were in synch, Ryujin returning Yeji’s smile with the full-knowledge of what Yeji was about to do._

_“I am.” Yeji ran in front of Ryujin, tugging her hand to pull her away from Byeongkwan. “I love you the most.”_

_“I love you too.” Ryujin cooed, lacing their fingers together romantically. “Let’s go, my love.”_

_And with that, the girls took off running, giggles escaping their lips as their boyfriends chased after them, calling from behind them indignantly._

_“Shin Ryujin!”_

_“Hwang Yeji!”_

For the first time in months, Ryujin woke up with a smile on her face.

“Did you sleep well?” Yeji looked relieved, causing Ryujin to smirk and shrug her shoulders.

“I guess.”

Ryujin was too proud to tell Yeji that she was the main source of relief for Ryujin’s heartbreak. However, she hoped by the surprise kiss she planted on the other’s face, Yeji would at least know that she was the most special in her heart at the moment. That wasn’t something meant to be a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm overdo, I know. Thanks for all your patience everyone.  
> Here's some fluff to make up for the angst the past 2 chapters ^^
> 
> Next chapter's the final one! Ryujin's happy ending is almost here :)  
> Stay with me everyone!


	5. Final

Ryujin was getting better. Gradually, it was becoming less painful. The pain didn’t disappear completely, but at least now she was able to look at a video of ACE without feeling a pang in her heart. Even her sleeping had improved, her dreams more pleasant than not. Most days, she woke up with a smile on her face. Some nights, she didn’t dream at all, having a peaceful rest throughout the night. But once in a while, she’d have a dream that really tripped her up, a dream that brought all the pain back to the surface once again.

_“Do you want to build a snowman?” Byeongkwan belched, loud enough to interrupt everything around them._

_Ryujin laughed as all the surrounding children looked up with annoyed looks on their faces._

_“I think the answer is ‘no’,” She teased, scanning around her to see most of them huffing and puffing, but going back to their own devices._

_“I wasn’t asking them. I was asking you.” He nodded haughtily before getting low to pat the snow on the ground._

_She smiled and followed suit, allowing her fingers to sink into the soft ice. It was cold to the touch, but pleasant, beautiful flakes clinging to her palm as she nestled her hand into the earth._

_“Ryujin~ Do you want to build a snowman?” He sang again, with a horrible screechy tone indicating that he was deliberately trying to be obnoxious._

_“Gosh, no!” She laughed, backing away from him. “Go away, Anna!”_

_He made a face, jutting his lower lip into a pout._

_“Ok, bye.” He sang again, deflating dramatically as he turned away from her._

_She shook her head, giggling as she gazed down at her hands and felt the white blanket that covered the ground beneath them. She began to draw on the floor when something struck her shoulder, exploding into a million particles of ice and chill._

_“Hey!” She immediately scooped up some snow, molding a ball in her fist as he took off._

_“That’s what you get Elsa! For not building a snowman!” He stuck out his tongue at her as he dashed away._

_“You’re the pettiest Anna ever!” She shot back, racing after him._

_Their laughter echoed across the park, as if it were only the two of them there. She launched a first snowball and missed. As she ran, she allowed her fingers to scrape up the soft flakes off the ground. She launched a second snowball and missed again. His chortle grated at her nerves so she came to a halt, fully bending down to pack as much snow as she could into two hands, molding a ball the size of a melon. She wouldn’t miss this time._

_“Come and get-“ Her threat became stuck in her throat as she looked up._

_The park was dead silent and she was completely alone, with not a single person in sight._

_“Oppa?”_

_Byeongkwan was nowhere in sight._

_“Oppa… Oppa?” Panic flooded into her heart as she looked around, confusion beginning to tear at her._

_Where was she? What park was this? She didn’t know where she was. She was alone. She was lost._

_“Oppa! Oppa!” Her eyes started to tear up as she whirled around frantically._

_“Oppa!” She was disoriented, so confused, so afraid._

_“Oppa, please! Oppa! Opp-“_

_“Caught you!”_

_Strong arms snagged around her waist, filling her with warmth. She gasped and turned to clutch the person who came for her._

_“I got you- Oh!” He looked down at her, horrified to see the tears in her eyes._

_“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” He held her close, tucking her under his chin._

_Immediately, relief washed over her as he comforted her with his presence, but that didn’t stop her from striking him._

_“You’re terrible!” She smacked his shoulder as she wiped her tears angrily. “You’re horrible! I was so scared! I didn’t-“_

_“I’m here, Ryujin.” He cut her off with a gentle kiss to her nose. “I’m here.”_

_“Not always.” She looked at him bitterly._

_Surprise overtook his features, but he quickly regained his composure and tightened his hold on her._

_“Yes always. Yes, Ryujin. I’ll always be here.”_

_“… Promise?”_

She didn’t know why she was having him promise. Ryujin could already feel her dream slipping away, dissolving into thin air as she had to wake up.

_He smiled._

_“I promise.”_

_“Thank you.” She smiled at him, reaching out her hand to caress his cheek._

“Bye…”

Ryujin woke up warm and completely safe from the snow, a warm duvet wrapped around her with her soft pillow behind her. She slowly sat up, trying to process her surroundings when she realized she wasn’t the only one awake. Yeji was already up, arms wrapped around her legs, staring at her silently. It was also when she met Yeji’s eyes that she realized her eyes were wet.

She quickly blinked her tears back, refusing to shed a tear before the older girl. But before she had even finished blinking the second time, she felt the mattress shift as Yeji’s weight settled beside her. She turned to look at her friend, but to her surprise, Yeji’s eyes were glassy, even more so than hers, as if the cat-like girl had been crying.

Without saying a word, Yeji took her hand while laying her head against Ryujin’s shoulder. No words were exchanged between the two of them and no words were necessary – just two warm bodies pressed against each other to provide warmth and comfort. They stayed like that until it was time for them to get ready to leave.

Ryujin was getting better, but once in a while, she was reminded that there was a part of her that her secret was still gnawing away at; the part of her that wondered if she’d truly get over him, get over her secret.

After that dream, she was blessed with a few dreamless nights, allowing her to sleep deeply and rest. That only lasted for three days and then she was back to dreaming about him again. But they were good dreams – dreams of a romance too good to be true, of a reality too kind to be real. The dreams allowed her to compartmentalize him and her secret. She started thinking of him as a fantasy in her mind, a fictional character of her imagination that allowed her to experience the love and relationship she always wanted. She no longer thought of ‘maybe’s or ‘what ifs’; she thought of ‘in another world’.

Only she could never fully compartmentalize him because someone or something would always bring him up at the most random of times.

“… Favorite boy group?” Hyunjin looked at her, his eyes full of suspicion, but Ryujin’s face remained neutral.

“GOT7.” She answered without a beat as she continued to munch on her pizza.

While everyone else seemed to accept her answer, for some reason, Hyunjin (who asked the question) had a problem with it.

“Still?” His eyes widened in disbelief as she downed her cup of cola.

“What do you mean ‘still’?” Chan and Jisung laughed, swatting his shoulder as Changbin rolled his eyes.

“Says the biggest Jinyoung Sunbae fanboy ever.” The rapper sneered, causing the cat-like boy’s cheeks to turn pink.

“Still?” Yeji’s innocent voice set them all off laughing.

Ryujin noticed how Hyunjin shot Yeji a dirty look, who in turn lightly kicked his foot, shaking her head. They were definitely plotting something.

“I meant a newer group-“

“Next person!” Yeji quickly interrupted him, grabbing the bottle in the middle and handing it to Ryujin with a smile. “Spin it.”

While Ryujin found it odd, she didn’t think too much of it and obediently spun the bottle, thus continuing the game.

They were playing ‘Truth or Truth’ with Stray Kids, and five years later, Ryujin still didn’t like this game. Did she really need to know who Jeongin would rather date between Hyunjin and Seungmin? Did it matter which 97-line friend was Chan’s favorite? Was knowing Yeji’s favorite Stray Kids member that important? For Ryujin, the answer was a big, fat ‘NO’ to all of them, but that didn’t stop her from being roped into the game so she just went with it. For the most part, she had just kept to herself, choosing to focus on the pizza and chicken. The game continued on with more random questions and answers from both groups that she didn’t really care about when Hyunjin caught all of her attention with an unusual loud answer.

“I like ACE.”

Ryujin looked up from her chicken to glance at him, only to find him staring straight at her with an unreadable look in his eyes. She frowned and sat up straighter, wondering what he looking at her for. She didn’t even catch the question that Jisung asked him and he was speaking about ACE in such a deliberate way. Did she miss something? But then he quickly looked away, turning to the rest of the group.

“I like ACE.” He repeated nonchalantly. “… I’m friends with Byeongkwanie Hyung.”

What? She swallowed and put her chicken down.

“Since when?” Yuna voiced Ryujin’s thoughts outloud, latching herself onto the new information like glue with her eyes sparkling with interest.

“Since-“

“That’s his new man.” Minho interrupted with a cackle, causing the other Stray Kids members to smirk as Hyunjin’s face turned beet-red.

Ryujin blinked. What was going on?

“What do you mean new man?” Lia giggled.

“Who was his old man?” Chaeryung laughed, also teasing.

“Me.” Seungmin, Jisung, and Minho all answered at the same time, causing everyone to erupt into laughter.

Everyone, except Ryujin who felt unbalanced, to say the least. Was her luck that rotten to where she was cursed to be associated with her first love for the rest of her life? She felt like hurling the empty coke bottle against the wall.

“It was me, but Hyunjin dumped me.” Jisung’s voice was full of faux hurt as he tried to throw his arms around Hyunjin, who pushed him away, his flushed cheeks still bright with blush.

“Pu-LEASE.” Minho said dramatically. “Everyone knows it was me. Hyunjin got tired of me and went to fulfill his needs elsewhere.”

“And we can all see why.” Seungmin’s dry voice set them all off howling with laughter again.

“What about you?” Chaeryung teased Seungmin, who shrugged and smiled.

“Just didn’t work out. I fell for I.N.ie.” He half-tackled Jeongin to the floor, causing the youngest boy to let out a squeak.

“I want no part of this, you weirdos!” The Stray’s maknae screeched as he fought to free himself from Seungmin’s grip.

At that, Ryujin cracked a smile. She was thinking too much. It was probably just a coincidence that Hyunjin was friends with him or that he liked ACE. Who wouldn’t like ACE? They were talented and cool (and not just because Byeongkwan was there). She relaxed and smiled, pushing all thoughts of Byeongkwan aside to be more engaged in the game.

Luckily for her, that incident was the last direct association she had with him. She didn’t have any new nightmares or dreams of abandonment. She didn’t have any new reminders of how fragile she was regarding him… Save for Yeji.

Neither she nor Yeji ever brought up that morning when they woke up so vulnerable and raw, coming together in quiet closeness. But there were some days that Ryujin caught Yeji giving her a lingering glance. It was during those times that Ryujin felt all the hairs on her arms rise up with a chill running down her spine as her older friend stared at her, those cat-eyes eyes triggering her mind to conjure up images and memories of Byeongkwan from when she was 14 years old to the present time. They would just gaze at each other silently until Yeji looked away (because Ryujin never looked away first), and they’d have to go back to practicing.

She didn’t know what it was about that particular gaze that Yeji gave her, but it was as if she was peering into a mirror, those cat-eyes reflecting the innocence, longing, and despair she felt inside. And she was certain that during their moments of prolonged eye-contact, Yeji knew exactly what she was thinking. With that being said, Ryujin never asked her what she was doing and Yeji never told her so it became another secret. But she didn’t mind. After all, it was their shared secret.

_“Congratulations!”_

_“We did it!”_

_“You’re awesome!”_

_Ryujin grinned at her classmates, giving high-fives, fist-bumps, and hugs to all of her friends as she walked down the hall._

_It was finally the day of graduation. She had made it._

_“Ryujin, where’s your ribbon?” Chaeryung frowned._

_Ryujin blinked and looked down. The red and black silk cloth was missing from her collar, where it was supposed to be._

_“I don’t know.” She looked at Chaeryung bewilderedly._

_“Ryujin! We need it in order to graduate! Go check the classroom! Hurry!” Her bandmate quickly hurried her off so Ryujin took off running back to where she came from, past the long hall and up the stairs to where her homeroom classroom was._

_She burst into the empty classroom and rushed to her desk frantically. The ceremony was going to start in 5 minutes and she needed to be back into the Multi-Purpose Room by then. Where was her ribbon? How did she even misplace it?_

_She swept through the floor, her eyes desperately scanning every crack and crevice in the ground. She looked at her phone. 3 minutes left. Where was it?_

_She was about ready to have a minor panic attack when out of nowhere, red and blue was thrust into her face. She blinked and saw the ribbon dangling in front of her eyes. As if she was in a daze, she reached for it, but it pulled back so she jumped for it; Jumped right into the sturdy arms of Kim Byeongkwan._

_She let out a gasp, but he caught her, his arms wrapping around her waist securely to balance her. She looked at him in shock, unable to say a single word. But he smiled at her._

_“… I think this is yours, Shin Ryujin.”_

_He fastened the ribbon around her neck, his sharp eyes completely focused on tying it properly. She watched him dumbly, still in disbelief that he was actually here._

_“Done.” He smiled in satisfaction as he took a step back to admire his handy-work. “Pretty.” He kept his hand on her ribbon, his fingers playing with the soft material._

_“…You came.” Despite her daze, her voice came out clear and melodic. “You’re actually here.”_

_He blinked in surprise, but then quickly smiled and slowly nodded._

_“How could I miss it?” His nasally voice was sweet, as was the gentle smile on his face._

_Her breath hitched as his hand moved from her ribbon to cup her face. She couldn’t think as she stared up at him. His light brown eyes appeared hazel in the sunlight and his face seemed to shine as he gazed down at her. He looked so handsome, too handsome to be real._

_A bell rang, indicating that the ceremony was about to start, but Ryujin didn’t care anymore. All that mattered was that he was here. He was here with her._

_“Please stay.” She placed her hand on top of his, trying to ignore the bell that continued to ring over and over again._

_“Stay with me.”_

_The bell kept ringing and Ryujin watched as he began to glow, like an angel. He was shining so brightly as if he was melting into the light. It was almost time to go._

_At her plea, his eyes crinkled with delight and he looked so happy, happier than she had ever seen him before._

_“… Always.” He squeezed her hand comfortingly, but she couldn’t feel it, his body already starting to fade away. “Always.”_

Ryujin’s eyes opened as the sound of her alarm filled her ears. She let out a soft sigh, staring up at the grey ceiling for 10 seconds before kicking the covers off of her to start her day with a wry smile. Only she would still dream of him during one of the most important days of her life, she thought ruefully. It was finally Graduation Day.

Perhaps there was an unrealistic part of her that still wished for her fantasy to become a reality because she found herself glancing around at school. She knew it was foolish, but even so, her eyes darted around to every corner and her fingers kept coming up to play with the silk ribbon on her collar.

“Who are you looking for?” Chaeryung asked, also looking around in confusion. “Do you need something?”

“… Nothing.”

He wasn’t here. He wasn’t coming. And it was ok. As she received her diploma, she found herself strangely at peace. Maybe it was part of her growing pains of life, but she accepted it. She may have had lingering feelings, but everything would be ok. She would be ok and she would move on one day.

“Now that my Ryujin-ie’s all grown-up, you can get a boyfriend!” Her mother cheered, causing her to blush and roll her eyes.

“Mom!” She pouted, shaking her head.

“I’m just saying, I know my Ryujin-ie is super popular! Any boy on your mind?”

It both amazed and embarrassed her at how her mind still defaulted to his face.

“… No.”

“Lies. I know my daughter well enough to know there’s someone.” Her mom teased. “Is it at the company? At your school?”

But Ryujin shut her mouth and looked out the window, stubbornly refusing to say another word.

“Well… as long as he has a job, is responsible, and loves my Ryujin-ie, I’m good with anyone.”

She felt a sour taste in her mouth as she realized how he easily filled the first two requirements and not the third. She quickly pushed any remaining thought she had of him out of her mind. It was her graduation day and she was not going to spoil her mood by thinking about him. She already saw enough of him in her dreams. He could wait.

By the end of the day, it was safe to say that Ryujin was completely stuffed. Her parents had gone all-out for her graduation and she had eaten to her heart’s content. Her parents had turned in for the night at midnight, but she was still awake, playing on her phone and wanting to delay her dreams for a while when she received a text message.

**Wear warm clothes and come down. 1:58 AM**

**I’m outside 1:59 AM**

Her eyes widened in surprise, but she enthusiastically threw on a hoodie along with her winter coat, stealthily sneaking out the front door past her sleeping parents.

“Unni?” Ryujin’s eyes lit up in delight as she rushed out to the apartment steps to meet her closest friend. “I thought you went home.”

It was the end of promotions as well as Ryujin’s (and Chaeryung’s) graduations so all of them had been granted the weekend off, everyone choosing to go back to their families. Yeji’s family lived the furthest, in Jeonju, so Ryujin assumed she would have left by now.

“I’m about to.” Yeji smiled at her tiredly. “But I wanted to congratulate you in person.”

“… You did already.” Ryujin blinked.

Yeji was the first person to congratulate her in the morning, even planting a surprise kiss on her cheek.

“I-I wanted to again.” Yeji stuttered, causing Ryujin to squint her eyes suspiciously.

“You asked me to come outside secretly, completely dressed, at 2 in the morning because you wanted to congratulate me twice?” She asked in a flat tone, causing the other girl to flinch.

“I…I-“

“I’m kidding.” Ryujin smirked, shaking off the chill that ran down her spine. “Well, c’mon. You had me come out this late. I want dessert and you’re buying.”

Even though she knew she’d end up hurling if she took another bite of anything, Ryujin was a firm believer that there was _always_ room for snacks. She took Yeji’s hand and started to walk down the road when she was pulled her back. She turned to look at Yeji confusedly, who pulled her hand away and looked down.

“You see, Ryujin…” Yeji started fidgeting, her eyes looking at anywhere except Ryujin.

Ryujin frowned. What was going on? It wasn’t like Yeji to be nervous in telling her anything. What would be bothering her?

“Yes? Unni, is everything ok?” Ryujin’s eyes were full of concern as they examined Yeji.

“You… You need to get to the park right now!” She suddenly burst out, her eyes shaking.

“Wha-“

“He’s waiting for you there! He’s been waiting since midnight. You need to go now!” Yeji nudged her, although her voice started trembling.

“Wait- what? Who? What’s going-“

“Kim Byeongkwan!”

Ryujin felt her heart stop, the breath knocked out of her lungs.

“What? What are you talking about?” She had no idea what was happening at all.

“I don’t have time right now, but he’s waiting for you so you gotta go! He’s been waiting since Midnight! I’ll explain everything late-“ Yeji pushed her again.

“What’s happening? What are you talking about?” Ryujin stayed put, refusing to move as she stared at Yeji wide-eyed in confusion, a mixture of shock, confusion, and irritation beginning to rise in her.

What was Yeji talking about? Byeongkwan was waiting for her? Why… How?

“I sent Hyunjin to give him a message!” Yeji’s eyes suddenly welled up with tears.

“You what?” Confusion quickly morphed into anger that rose up from Ryujin’s gut.

“Hyunjin’s been keeping in contact with him this whole time. I asked him to meet you on your graduation and he said he’ll be at the park at midnight so you need to go!”

All the gears in Ryujin’s head started rolling and suddenly, everything made sense – the secret meetings with Hyunjin down the hall, the way Hyunjin randomly brought ACE up during their game, the random moments of Yeji’s lingering gaze on her. She had been right. Those two were plotting something, only that something happened to be sticking their noses into Ryujin’s personal life. Her temper flared up.

“Why would you do that?” Her voice caused Yeji to flinch.

Ryujin was riled up, shock and confusion gelling through her. But the main thing she felt was hurt. Why would Yeji contact Byeongkwan? It was none of her business! Why would she-

“You cried!”

She froze as Yeji smiled through teary eyes.

“I heard you… You cried that night of the festival… Not just that night, but other nights too, when you thought I was sleeping. I wanted to help. Because he’s your first love! So he’s special to you... and to me.”

Ryujin almost reeled, taking a step back to catch herself as Yeji broke down in front of her.

 _‘Because he’s your first love! So he’s special to you and to me.’_ Those were the same words Ryujin said to Yeji when she comforted her over the loss of Yeji’s first love. Unlike Ryujin who was always shy and afraid, Yeji was shy, but brave. She confessed, only to be rejected. And Ryujin was there to comfort her.

_“Why are you here anyways?” Yeji sobbed, pulling away from Ryujin’s hug. “You have nothing to do with this! It’s my own problem.”_

_“… Because he’s your first love!” Ryujin frowned, hugging her again. “So he’s special to you and to me… Because you’re my Unni.”_

Yeji didn’t pull away from her a second time and after that, didn’t pull away from her at all. Even when they grew older and Ryujin became more confident, where she could fight her own battles and tease the life out of Yeji, Yeji never pulled away from her. They became inseparable friends and lifelong sisters. And the same Yeji was here now, repaying the favor she thought she owed to Ryujin because of something that young Ryujin said about first loves.

Ryujin wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry at the ridiculousness of it.

“… He’s not there.” She shook her head, unwilling and unable to believe it. “He wouldn’t wait that long, stupidly. He’s not like that.”

 **“’Don’t eat spicy food right before you perform. It coats your throat so you can’t sing.’ ‘Wrap your neck at night so you don’t catch a cold’.”** Despite the shakiness in her voice, Yeji spoke clearly.

Ryujin blinked confusedly.

**“Make sure you sleep and eat well. You look too thin’ ‘Don’t listen to the haters. You shine wherever you are’.”**

“What-“

“These are all the things he wanted to tell you.” Through teary eyes, Yeji smiled at her tenderly. “You remember when I told you those things? They weren’t from me… They were from him.”

At that moment, everything stopped and Ryujin became absolutely still, unable to move to a muscle as she remembered all the times Yeji nagged at her when they were alone. Except it wasn’t really Yeji, it was him. Suddenly, she could hear his nasally, strong voice in her head.

**‘Take care of yourself.’ ‘Don’t be sick.’ ‘Hwighting.’**

She felt her own eyes becoming teary as Yeji took a step towards her and took her hand.

“Go to him, Ryujin.” Yeji squeezed her hand supportively before letting it go. “You started being brave so finish it with courage.”

Ryujin bit her lip to prevent herself from losing total control of her emotions and nodded.

“… T-thanks, Unni.” She mustered out before taking off running into the direction of the park.

As she ran, the memories flooded into her mind –

Ryujin was 14 when she met him in the JYP practice room; he danced in front of her; he smiled and waved at her.

She was 15 when she found out he joined another company.

17, she saw him debut with ACE.

18, she found herself face-to-face with him again in MixNine and she started to feel love. She tried to start a friendship, but he could only see the competition in front of them. He hated her.

She was 19 when they met on stage as idols. She gave him her CD. He said he didn’t hate her. She gave him her number, but he rejected her completely.

Now, she had just graduated high school and was finally an adult. And he was waiting for her. Finally.

Ryujin had a secret. Her secret was that she had been in love with the same person for the past five years, and she had never stopped.

~~~~~~

**_EPILOGUE_ :**

“Ryujin… Shin Ryujin.”

She kept her eyes shut, a sleepy smile on her face as she let out a soft hum.

“Ryujin-ah.” The nasally voice was like gentle music to her ears, a sweet wake-up call for her. “Ryujin-ah…”

Although she would have loved to sleep more, she reluctantly opened her eyes when she felt warm fingers brush against the side of her face.

“… Oppa.” She looked up at him sleepily, blinking a few times to erase the sleep from her eyes.

“Did you sleep well?” Byeongkwan chuckled, gazing at her with so much fondness that it melted her heart.

“Very…” She involuntarily yawned, smiling sheepishly at the sound of his bright laughter.

“I take it that you’re not into reading.” He sat on the floor next to her, also leaning his head back against the bookcase.

“I love reading!” She protested. “… Reading webtoons.”

She smiled again, watching him as he laughed. She loved to make him laugh.

“Don’t feel too bad. I’m not into reading either.”

“But you wanted to meet at a bookstore… And for our first date too.” She teased, causing him to smirk.

“First date? That was last week.”

“Last week was the confession. It wasn’t a date.” She argued, a pout on her lips.

“I gave you chocolate and we went to grab coffee.”

“Still not a date!” She insisted stubbornly. “Our first date is today!”

“So we went out of order and kissed before we even had a first date.” He marveled. “Wow. How bold.”

She smacked him across the shoulder for that, causing him to stifle a laugh.

“What do you mean how bold? You’re the one who kissed me!”

“You didn’t seem to mind.” He snickered.

She huffed, blowing up her cheeks, but didn’t say anything else causing him to smile.

“Pretty.”

Her heart stopped at his sudden word of affection, the memory of the game in the practice room rushing back to her. It was funny. Even after five years, his eyes still had the same effect on her as they gazed at her so kindly, so softly.

“… Here.” Ryujin wasn’t planning on giving him the box so early, but she couldn’t stand having those beautiful eyes stare at her a second longer so she quickly shoved it into his hands.

She turned away, pretending to have newfound interest in the book behind her as she fought to control the blush on her cheeks.

“What’s this?” His cheeky voice made her flush even more, her cheeks completely bright red.

“Chocolate.” Even though she knew she looked anything but cool, she kept her voice even. She was Shin Ryujin, after all.

“Why?”

It took her every ounce of control not to snatch the box back from him in embarrassment and she let out a breath.

“If you don’t want it, I’ll take it back-“ She yelped at the hand that shackled itself on her wrist and yanked her down.

Suddenly, she found herself face-to-face with him, pretty brown eyes that gazed at her so softly, luring her to drown. Her breath hitched and he smiled. They were so close that Ryujin could feel his breath gently caressing her lips, the tip of his nose barely brushing against hers.

It was a situation she had experienced many times in her dreams, had seen many times in her fantasies. It felt like she was in one of her dreams, but she wasn’t.

It was real – real by the body warmth she felt by their closeness; real by the way her heart thumped in her chest painfully; real by the hand that held her wrist in an iron grip, not to hurt her but to let her know it wasn’t letting go. It was real by the way her five senses were completely activated, from the roar of her heart that she heard and felt, to the dry aftertaste in her mouth as she gazed into his eyes. This was real.

“… Thank you.”

His light nasally voice in its raw form reminded her it was real. The warm sensation she felt by the gentle press of his lips to her nose verified that he was real. But what really proved that all of this was real, and not just her imagination, was her own imperfection.

“Happy Valentines Day, Oppa.” Her voice cracked.

The dream-Ryujin would have spoke with perfect pitch, with a voice so beautiful that it could have fit a movie scene. The dream-Ryujin would have smiled so beautifully at him that it’d cause him to chuckle and kiss her again. Dream-Ryujin would know how to act around her boyfriend, having the perfect balance between shyness and confidence. But she wasn’t dream-Ryujin.

She was real-life Ryujin and real-life Ryujin still felt butterflies at the thought of kissing her first love again, even though they already kissed twice. Real-life Ryujin felt more giddy than anything else when she thought of him. And real-life Ryujin was still nervous around him, because she liked him so much.

The dryness she felt in her throat, the dryness that caused her voice to crack was the greatest confirmation that this was real. However, the blinding smile she was given that followed after her statement was the greatest reward she could have ever received. His face lit up, crinkles all around his eyes as he beamed at her.

This was real, and reality couldn’t have gotten any better than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! Finally! Yay! XD  
> Ryujin got the ending she deserved ^^
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading and sticking with me to the end.  
> Hope you enjoyed the story and feel free to leave me feedback.


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